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[ A part of him wants to go and tell him that he wouldn't understand, but refrains... even if Komaeda doesn't seem to be judging. ]

It's fine. It doesn't matter anymore. What's done is done; I can't change it.

Hajime, usually you talk to me at least once a day. Since the trial and you told me to leave you be we've...not talked at all. If it wasn't affecting you still, what is?

[What did I do? His mind whispers, his control slipping just a hair. He knows, he set up being at his master's for the safety of everyone. But.

When he needed him most. There had just been silence.] ...If it's alright for me to ask you that.

Edited 2016-08-03 01:57 (UTC)

It's fine! You don't... it's just events in the past, anyway -- it's not something I should be focusing on!

[ And yet he can't help but have his mind linger on it. ]

...Yet you lay awake thinking about it. [It isn't a question. Komaeda falls silent. He's had a year of struggling with memories floating up and deciding what to do about it. Even going so far as to actively face down the dark broken shadow of his past.

Accepting that despite it all, that despair had always existed within him before Enoshima's hand tore him open.]

Sometimes you dream about it. Waking up at night with the echoes of it still crashing around you. [It sounds less like he's talking about Hinata and sharing that for once, he does understand completely.]

'Where did it go wrong?' 'Am I in danger of falling again?' 'Should I even be alive when I was that?' Or even... 'How did I go from what I am in those memories...to such a different man.'

Ah, but I've always found the worse ones. Are when you see the darkness and where it took its roots. I'd personally be surprised if you didn't focus on what comes up.

I have from the first moment I saw her hand on my arm. Even if she hadn't been grinding that in my face for months. I'd still check that arm every time I wake up.

Edited 2016-08-03 04:59 (UTC)

I... learned why I became Kamukura Izuru. And it wasn't for the reasons I thought they were.

[Ah. Now comes the dilema.] ...would you like to continue this in person or, is it more comfortable to talk about like this?

...just what were your reasons?

I... honestly don't know.

[ His answer to the former question of course. He can feel his voice cracking, an icy cold wind seeping through the link, frustration and sorrow trickling through. ]

I don't know if I want to see you in this state. [ He doesn't want Komaeda to see him cry if he ends up doing so. ] There was someone I cared about. A friend. My only friend. I was just a lowly reserve course student... but I was on a "trial run", so to speak. If I didn't decide to join the Project, I would no longer be able to be in the Reserve Course. I would have to go back to Kodaka -- ah, that's my old high school. The only reason I could stay was because I had the traits befitting of that project.

I always thought that I did it solely for talent. Because I was talentless. But so many people taught me differently. That there's more to life than just talent. However, not everyone sees that way. I was disgusted by how incidents revolving around the Reserve Course were just thrown under the rug. Like we weren't important. Like we were just replaceable. Pawns to be used and discarded when we weren't worthy. I didn't want that.

I didn't feel like we deserved to be treated like that. All human life was equal, I thought. I wanted to be seen on the same footing as the others. As my friend. Even in my own eyes, I... felt that I wasn't worthy of being her friend. That I wasn't worthy of being by her side. That if people saw her with me, they'd scoff; they'd make fun of her, bully her and essentially it would cause problems.

And I couldn't trouble my parents, either. Not with a crippling debt that the school would give them.

So I decided that I would become... their hope. An artificially crafted hope, but one nevertheless.

Edited 2016-08-04 05:19 (UTC)

[He wants nothing more than to pull Hinata close and let him have somewhere he can just be.]

...I always thought they had some form of leverage or tricked you into it. Just didn't tell you the price.

[Except that's not how it is. It makes so much more sense like this. Hinata had stepped up to protect others, at the cost of himself.] ...it makes much more sense like this. Our world is...no. Hope's Peak itself was a creaking corpse that created cracks in the world. They stopped caring about individuals and only seeing what 'benefited' their dogma.

[Hinata shouldn't be alone like this. His emotions are in the link as well, love washing in like the sea and worry racing right behind it. Anger at Hope's Peak, and the sorrow at how one boy felt he had to sacrifice himself because he was nothing anyway. They are indeed more alike than either wants to admit to.]

...I really don't like the idea of you being alone tonight with these kind of thoughts. Please, even if you don't sleep here with me. Go to Chiaki at least.

...I still... [He falters. His own voice cracks. Well, he makes no damn secret he's not that stable right now.]

I understand somewhat, even if it might not seem like someone could. When you feel empty, worthless, not even worth consideration. You want to matter in some way. In any way. ...if becoming something else would get that love you're missing...ah, if that life can be spent in a meaningful way that would benefit others for once...

It would be okay. Right?

Desperate hopes like that...are so close to despair, it's like one is brushing against the other.

I can't.

[ His words are immediate that it's almost scary. He can hear the emotions that trickle past his ears, but in Hinata's there's just pain. ]

I can't go to Nanami. Not with thoughts like this. Not when the person I didn't seem fit to be was--

[ Although Komaeda can't see it, he shakes his head, cutting his words off. ]

Sorry. I just wanted to be proud of myself. To tell my friend that I had this awesome talent, that I was amazing. That I could be someone to look up to. I was empty, so this was the only way that I could fill it up.

[He doesn't know what to do. It's like he can't reach Hinata, or he isn't being heard. Komaeda wants to pound on the wall between them or tear it apart. But.

But.]

Hajime.

[His voice sounds a lot steadier than he thought he could make it. Score one for him.]

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be proud of yourself and be seen. ...do you, still think you're empty these days?

[He really doesn't like the idea of Hinata laying alone with thoughts like this in his head. ...he's digging his fingers into his forearm, bright sparks of pain to focus past the storm inside his own head. He can't, can't start approaching despair or Hinata might react badly.]

...come here. I won't look if you don't want me to. But, I can't leave you like this. I'll come to you if I have to. I can't abide by your wish to be left alone anymore. Not after hearing that.

I don't.

[ He's not like how he was before; it's obvious with the clarity in his voice. How even he manages to make it sound despite the pain that's seeping through with every syllable. The way he says it doesn't match up with how he's feeling about it, and it's a striking contrast. ]

But... are you really okay with that? [ Are you okay with me? ] I don't know if I can come out like this. Can you come over?

I can. [He scribbles a fast note to Mu and snags up his green hoodie. He'd brought it with him in case he forgot who he was when he woke up that first day. Why wouldn't I be okay with you? His thoughts are an open book now.

There's no barrier at all. It's a testament to just how little control he has at present. Worry, relief that he isn't being pushed away again.

The planned route he'll take through the city.] ...I told you. When you need me, I'll always come for you.

[He's never loved anyone the way he loves his partners. He's never been loved like this.

He needs to focus or his own messed up head is going to make things difficult.] I'm not going to cut the connection while I make my way there.

[Boy is he going to feel it in the morning going across town at his planned place. Right behind that is how little he gives a damn about morning soreness in the wake of going to Hinata.]

Alright.

[ But even though he won't cut the connection - and even though Hinata himself wouldn't either, he isn't sure what to say; not really, anyway... ]

... Thanks.

[There's silence for most of the way and abruptly an explosion of self loathing, horror, and behind it all, despair. Chains rattle as claws scrape on stone as something moves in the darkness. A low coughing roar rolls through the link before it all goes still again. Only self loathing is left, rolling in on itself like a storm.

Whatever Komaeda remembered wasn't good. He breathes out.] Sorry, I remembered being suspended and why.

I really lived in my own little reality back then. [He is glad he's had the life he's had here and even more than that.] I have a question but, I'm coming inside first.

[The lock turns and Komaeda steps into the apartment through the now open door. He wipes his forehead and shuts the door behind him. He takes a moment to pull off his green coat and hang it up, to let Hinata compose himself.]

Edited 2016-08-05 20:34 (UTC)

[ There's an audible hum as Hinata shakes his head in disagreement, worry coming in like a tide. And it's even evident in his voice. He can feel the emotions that Komaeda is feeling, and they're not good ones. He's remembering something while Hinata recalled something else entirely different. Their memories are coming in too fast, too quickly at this point. He's not sure if it's because of how long they've been here or if it's something else entirely. Although it's true that Hinata wants nothing more than to comfort him, to focus on Komaeda's problems...

That would mean running away from his own.

He can't do that, nor does he want to. He can feel the shadows creeping by his feet when he tries to dispel the negative emotions from the link, pouring his love back in.

It's okay. It's okay, alright? But soon enough, Komaeda unlocks the door and Hinata himself smiles slightly; it's not a happy smile, but it's one that's calm enough, reassuring. ]

Welcome home.

[ It's the traditional greeting, but he says it nevertheless. He'll allow Komaeda to settle, first. ]

[He smiles back, it's not happy either. He'd come to help Hinata and be there for him. His own problems can wait. Yet, the question needs asked. Komaeda stalls a moment longer, taking off his boots. Silently he pads over to join Hinata and sinks down beside him.

First and foremost...he turns and wraps his arms around Hinata, rubbing his cheek against his own.] We'll deal with my memories later, I missed you.

[The faint threads of memory drift up like thin fingers of fog, reminding him of how it had felt when he was healing himself. The sensation like sharp knives inside his head. Memories whirling and rising to the surface until he couldn't tell when he was. Komaeda had been terrified that that would be the last thing he'd know. But his hopes, and thus by extension, Peromei's had been strong enough to win. He rubs Hinata's back in soothing circles, as he says into his ear.]

There is something master taught me, when I was first learning under him. I still had this idea that there existed the worthy and the unworthy. I'd expressed as such and he told me to look to the stars. I didn't get it at first. He told me the story of Athena and Hades holy wars. They started in an Era called the Era of Myth when humans and gods were but a breath apart. They have continued down through the ages, each time Athena reincarnates. Human warriors called Saints, fight at her side.

They die. Often in droves, and only barely turn back Hades each time. To outsiders they might seem like garbage or fodder for the gods...but they lived their lives to the fullest. Life is...far more than rubbish. Our lives as well.

[He sighs, the ghost of the teenager that couldn't understand his instuctor's words lingering in his mind. He pushes past it, pulling the memory of that star filled night back into focus.]

I asked him. If our lives aren't trash, what are they? What do you think he said, Hajime?

[ Hinata himself wraps an arm around Komaeda, his outline shining a bright gold, hair turning a pale, snow white as he closes his eyes, mulling the thought over in his head. ]

I don't know. [ He admits with a light chuckle. ] But even if I don't know, I can still give an answer, can't I?

[ A rhetorical question, as he keeps on speaking. ]

Of course, my answer might be different than his. Our lives... they're ours. To live them out to the fullest. Being happy, being sad, they're all a part of our lives. The good and the bad. Our mistakes, our mishaps. Things we did right and the things we did wrong. But we can't change that.

But even if we can't. Even if we've made a million mistakes and you think they're unredeemable. Not one single life is insignificant, nor is anyone trash.

Everyone's lives are equal, after all.

[ Hinata pulls a little away from Komaeda so he can place a hand on his cheek, lips curving into a wistful smile. ]

That means you too, Nagito. You already know that, don't you? That your life isn't trash. There's meaning to it. At least, to me. Nanami, too. Even Sonia, and Kirigiri -- and all your friends. Right?

[He leans into the hand on his face with a soft sigh. Komaeda closes his hand over Hinata's and smiles. It's the kind of answer he expected out of him. It's something they both needed to hear. He reaches into his shirt and tugs on the leather cord around his neck. His new crystal has white inclusions in it, marking the stars of the Dragon Constellation. The gold crystal itself is a dragon roaring to the heavens.]

Yes, I do know that these days. I'm not the...boy in my memories. Who thought extreme actions had to be taken when he was refused something he wanted. [He shuts his eyes for a moment. He can picture that cold night, when his breath fogged as he starred upwards. The first time anyone had tried to approach telling him the opposite of what he believed in a way that reached the obsessed mind.]

Master's answer was more...artistic? It's difficult to find words for it right now!

[He opens his eyes.] The universe. Even if each of our lives, individually is small, we're all part of the universe. If we understand this, we can feel it within us, and make that feeling burn...life can shine. Anyone's.

The most common example is 'stardust'. But...when you look at the stars you can't really call them dust, either can you? It was the first time back then, I saw beauty, in all of life. Even possibly, my own.

My hopes, my dreams...were a flickering candle's flame but he made me think of people...just as the way this world works...as a group of lights in the vastness of the night. [He reaches out and cups Hinata's face in his eyes, lowering his lashes as he adds.] Though, I'm particular to certain stars that shine close to me.

[It's lame, but he's hitting on his own boyfriend none the less. He missed him.]

Edited 2016-08-06 08:31 (UTC)

Well, sorry if I'm not as artistic as he is.

[ It's just a little tongue in cheek, even if he tries his best to sound bitter about it. Besides, there are more important matters to discuss to begin with. ]

I guess you can also say each person is their own "universe", if we're going in that direction. Everyone is a center of it all and the people surround them, like stars or planets. It's a different interpretation, but it's still one that makes sense.

Because the people who are a part of your universe -- they can be close to you or far away, depending on the person.

[ He laughs a little at that last comment. ] But I'm getting a little philosophical, aren't I? It doesn't change the essential meaning behind it all.

Yet... I can't help but think sometimes. Based on what you said. If there's someone who doesn't understand that simple fact. They're just an unlit candle, aren't they? An existence that wants to shine, but can't, no matter how hard they tried. Because a candle is simply that: a candle. It can't burn on its own; it needs something to light it up.

Anyway. Was that what you really wanted to talk to me about Nagito? I mean... I know you came here for me, but I pretty much said what I needed to say.

I believe he meant all of humanity as the universe. [He sobers. No that's not what he needed to ask at all and it's written on his face. Komaeda meets Hinata's eyes as he speaks low. This isn't a pleasant topic.]

Kuzuryuu's sister and the other girl that were murdered, they weren't part of the main course. Were they?

[He wants to be playful but, his memories stirred up a bunch of questions and answers he's not sure he ever wanted.]

... Ah.

[ His eyes widen ever so slightly before narrowing, Hinata's gaze shifting away. ]

No. The reason why the murders were thrown under the rug was because they were reserve course students. They were in my class.

They weren't just thrown under the rug. They acted like they never happened. In the main course we had practical exams to make sure they weren't wasting time on a ''minor' talent. Which is short for if you don't impress the media, we don't want you.

[His emotions swirl in his mind and anger finally runs to the head of the pack. Curls of red flame form scales in the air but he holds his hand up, holding the flames in his hands. He turns it and twists it to hold the energy contained in a safe manner. Then stops. Could...he?

Komaeda twists the energy and forms a night sky, and stars fall into as he speaks.] I asked them to be postponed. My class was too dispondent and I didn't think they would do their best. It was rejected, due to media attention and my teacher being used to the system. I took matters into my own hands.

The results...They suspended me, indefinitely. Three students were expelled. There was a school building that needed rebuilt and our teacher was being transferred to the Reserve Course. They didn't want to get rid of me because my talent was so powerful it got exactly what I wanted. Back then I thought I could control my luck. I thought if I pushed the events into place, or had a concrete plan...I could force it to my will. It's not true. It has never been true that I had any control over it at all.

Are you familiar with the old saying, 'When a butterfly flaps its wings, a storm happens somewhere?'

I... see.

[ He didn't know that, but then again, by that point, he already had made his decision to become hope. His gaze narrows and he can practically feel himself generating shadows; small ones, but there nevertheless. The smell of copper filling the air as if someone died, dark clouds beginning to form but Hinata soon waves it off. ]

So these practical exams: were they exams to showcase your talent? [ He's asking because he's skeptical. How does that even work with some of those talents? ] And... no, I don't.

It's more commonly referred to as 'Chaos theory' or the 'butterfly effect'. Small actions can have large causes in other places. I believe...that's why here I have no oblivious luck cycling in this world. There have been a series of events laying across each other but, nothing on the scale of home. Here that energy naturally takes shape as storms and dragons.

But, that's getting off track. Yes, they had us showcase our talents before judges. And the media. They told us if we did poorly...we would be transferred to the reserve course. With my mind healed, I can go back over everything with the eye of what I've learned here. So far, after I...got sick. I've seen a lot add to why that school should have set fire to and blackened from all records.

[The last part is said with a bit of bitter anger. As a diplomatic figure in the city he can't even stomach the ideas of the Hope's Peak board of Directors.]

I don't think Enoshima had to even try to break that school. It was already a festering wound!

[Komaeda looks away with an angry hiss and finally says.] ...I came here to be with you but, I also...once those surfaced wanted to discuss this with you. It felt too important to leave alone.

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