[ His answer to the former question of course. He can feel his voice cracking, an icy cold wind seeping through the link, frustration and sorrow trickling through. ]
I don't know if I want to see you in this state. [ He doesn't want Komaeda to see him cry if he ends up doing so. ] There was someone I cared about. A friend. My only friend. I was just a lowly reserve course student... but I was on a "trial run", so to speak. If I didn't decide to join the Project, I would no longer be able to be in the Reserve Course. I would have to go back to Kodaka -- ah, that's my old high school. The only reason I could stay was because I had the traits befitting of that project.
I always thought that I did it solely for talent. Because I was talentless. But so many people taught me differently. That there's more to life than just talent. However, not everyone sees that way. I was disgusted by how incidents revolving around the Reserve Course were just thrown under the rug. Like we weren't important. Like we were just replaceable. Pawns to be used and discarded when we weren't worthy. I didn't want that.
I didn't feel like we deserved to be treated like that. All human life was equal, I thought. I wanted to be seen on the same footing as the others. As my friend. Even in my own eyes, I... felt that I wasn't worthy of being her friend. That I wasn't worthy of being by her side. That if people saw her with me, they'd scoff; they'd make fun of her, bully her and essentially it would cause problems.
And I couldn't trouble my parents, either. Not with a crippling debt that the school would give them.
So I decided that I would become... their hope. An artificially crafted hope, but one nevertheless.
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[ His answer to the former question of course. He can feel his voice cracking, an icy cold wind seeping through the link, frustration and sorrow trickling through. ]
I don't know if I want to see you in this state. [ He doesn't want Komaeda to see him cry if he ends up doing so. ] There was someone I cared about. A friend. My only friend. I was just a lowly reserve course student... but I was on a "trial run", so to speak. If I didn't decide to join the Project, I would no longer be able to be in the Reserve Course. I would have to go back to Kodaka -- ah, that's my old high school. The only reason I could stay was because I had the traits befitting of that project.
I always thought that I did it solely for talent. Because I was talentless. But so many people taught me differently. That there's more to life than just talent. However, not everyone sees that way. I was disgusted by how incidents revolving around the Reserve Course were just thrown under the rug. Like we weren't important. Like we were just replaceable. Pawns to be used and discarded when we weren't worthy. I didn't want that.
I didn't feel like we deserved to be treated like that. All human life was equal, I thought. I wanted to be seen on the same footing as the others. As my friend. Even in my own eyes, I... felt that I wasn't worthy of being her friend. That I wasn't worthy of being by her side. That if people saw her with me, they'd scoff; they'd make fun of her, bully her and essentially it would cause problems.
And I couldn't trouble my parents, either. Not with a crippling debt that the school would give them.
So I decided that I would become... their hope. An artificially crafted hope, but one nevertheless.